March 14th – my favorite day of the year

March 14th. My favorite day of the year. The day Joshua Elton Bettinger entered my life. Although his presence was clear for many months before his actual arrival

It’s funny I view this as the best day in my life since it was fraught with as much pain as it was joy.

I was so utterly joyful about the birth of my son despite the fact his father had told me four months earlier that he didn’t want the child, wished I could get an abortion, and would have nothing to do with the raising of the child. I was going into this knowing it was me and the baby alone.

I knew I would be on my own. I knew I would have no help from my mother since I wasn’t doing things the way she wanted. I was going the natural route – natural childbirth, breast feeding.

The in-laws had decided I was an out-law since I would not conform to the family regiment. There was no baby shower with them. I was being punished.

So my beautiful baby was born with a father who didn’t want him. My mom and dad came to see us. My brother and sister-in-law visited with a gift. And absolutely no one else came.

I was on one hand exhilarated beyond words over the long awaited presence of my son and utterly crushed by the lack of interest of others. What a bizarre mix of feelings. Such joy mixed with so much pain.

The night Josh was born and his father had left to go home I stood at the window of my hospital room and watched thunder-snow. It was snowing like mad and there was spectacular thunder and lightening. I felt a terrible, dark sense of foreboding – that bad things were going to come.

Here I sit 36 years later and I can tell you without hesitation Josh was the best thing to ever happen in my life. There was great joy, there was great pain, there was a whole heck of a lot of fun, there were disappointments, there were triumphs. Having kids isn’t a ticket to perfection. It’s a ticket to all the ups and downs that human beings encompass.

As explained in my favorite movie Parenthood (that Josh bought a copy for me) – it’s a roller coaster ride. You could choose a merry-go-round, but how boring. The roller coaster has all the ups and downs that get your heart racing.

So thank you Josh – you were my best ticket to heart racing ups and downs. And I miss you every day. But I don’t dwell on the sadness of losing you. I celebrate the glory of you and being your mom.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity.